Abeyance

Waiting is hard.

We hope for things, work for them and do all we can to make them happen only to feel like they will never come to fruition. At times, we feel like maybe its a test of our patience or something that is supposed to make us appreciate more what we have right now.

Other times it feels like torture. Like you are being punished for anything wrong you may have done in your life, no matter how minuscule and with absolute disregard for all of the good you may have done.

Then there is foreboding. The knowing that something uncomfortable is going to happen. Maybe you have time to prepare, sure. But sometimes having these extra moments/days/months/years only increases the anxiety that goes along with whatever your stressor may be.

I’m not sure which is worse. I have always dealt well with high stress situations. So having something major thrown at me and immediately having to deal with it works best for my brain. There is a problem; lets fix it, now.

The more time I have to sit and stew on something, the more negative places my brain gets to explore and dissect every possible pessimistic outcome. Its a talent.

I’m sure I am not the only one with this particular skill.

While I sit in self loathing some days, other days I find more positivity. I find that my mood is directly influenced by the amount of sun that my skin sees and what food is set before me.

Maybe I’m just vitamin deficient.

We bear many things in life and weather countless storms. We can get through it, whatever “it” is. We’ve already done it many times before, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t difficulty in the process.

Some days are just harder than others. Some days what is to come, or what hasn’t come, seems to stare right at is with a gaze we can’t look away from. Other days we don’t feel the sting of this stare, it feels like a glance, at best, and we soldier on without our affliction holding us back.

It’s okay to have a mix of these days, I think. Its a part of what makes us human. We are emotional beings, though I have a hard time dealing with my emotions more often than not. Being told I needed to “toughen up”, being laughed at or poked fun of in much of my formative years, weather it was intended to be harmful or not, has made it hard for me to “feel what I’m feeling”, if you will. I still don’t let myself cry at sad movies.

I tend to hold how I am feeling in. Often my emotions feel like they would be a burden on others around me and should be suppressed or ignored because they seem ultimately useless. But how we feel is powerful, and my husband can read me like a book with a transparent cover. He has made me explore my emotions, feelings and thoughts more than anyone else ever has.

How we process our experiences is valid and while I am a huge proponent of not letting your emotions rule your life, I believe you need to balance your emotions and feelings with your brain and your knowledge.

If you only follow your heart you will surely get hurt. If you only follow your brain, you’ll never feel some of the most beautiful things in life. A healthy mix of both is what we humans need.

So I’m not sure what the whole point of this post is. But know that just because it isn’t right now, doesn’t mean its not ever.
Know that what your feeling is ok, but don’t live there forever.

Think about what is coming next but don’t let it control the right now.

And of course, be kind to you and those you hold dear. Have patience, pray and hope for that “one day”.